Viagra Anyone?

Me to my ten-year-old: "Sweetie, will you go upstairs and get my medicine?"

He to me: "You mean the Viagra?"

Me: "No, Sweetie, the Vicodin."

Wow! What a teachable moment.

Naturally, I had to explain erectile dysfunction to him. It was so much fun, especially when he screamed "Ugh!" and ran from the room.

Later on I took a Xanax.

Get Your Head From Under My Dress!

I came across this chilling disclosure while reading the section on medical records privacy in the CalPers "Health Program Guide" brochure:

Protective Services for the President and Others
We may disclose medical information about you to authorized federal or state officials so they may provide protection to the President, other authorized persons or foreign heads of state or conduct special investigations.

What I Want to Know Is:

• How will my pap smear results help protect the president?

• Who is this “other authorized person"?Does that include my ex-husband?

• And, can these “special investigations” find their way to YouTube?

Let me save y’all Homeland Security folk a little work:

Yes, Mr. President, I’ve found that Cymbalta is much more effective than Zoloft for treating depression.

However, for psychopathic, mass murders, nothing short of lobotomy seems to work.

Shhh!

I am writing this from a secure, protected, secret location.

Until now I’ve been afraid to contact any of my friends. Afraid of detection. Afraid one of them would find me and it would start all over.

I am in the Negro Kinfolk Protection Program. I have been given a new name and a new identity—I am now a former exotic dancer with a PhD in physics. I am safe. Some days I’m even happy. If you love me, do not try to find me. You may inadvertently lead them to me and I’ve had enough of kinfolk to last a lifetime.

From time to time, when I feel it is safe, I will send you a message. Wait. Be patient. And remember, Mother loves you.

...and the Winner Is!

Mother asked for a moral for her fable, "Slurs." Five brave and creative people
responded (private comments to me were disqualified.)

Congratulations:

• Villager--you nailed it, besides you gifted me with a story about your grandfather.
• Credo--because it was hard, but you did it anyway
• Firefly--the classics always work
• Pearl--we all need to try your way more often
• Dan Harlow--I liked your twist and wisdom

You are all winners!

Please contact me at terrisgrimes@comcast.net and give me your mailing addresses, and I'll send you an autographed copy of Shades of Black.

Paris, Texas--Its Your Turn to Laugh

West Sacramento Gang injunction voided

Police serve only one gang member wanna-be whom they expected to notify all 350 Broderick Boys gang members

Read full story: Published 12:00 am PDT Wednesday, April 25, 2007, Sacramento Bee

A three-judge panel for California's 3rd District Court of Appeal unanimously and rightly struck down a court order that imposed an overly broad injunction against a West Sacramento gang known as the Broderick Boys.

The sweeping injunction, first imposed in 2005, had been criticized by law-abiding citizens and even members of the West Sacramento City Council. It barred some 350 unnamed gang members from "standing, sitting, walking, driving, gathering or appearing" together in a 3-square-mile area that police designated as a "safety zone." It also imposed a curfew that prohibited gang members from being on the streets after 10 p.m. or before sunrise.

The Bigger the Bra--The Badder We Are

She has to be an Air Mom! Check out her lesson: How to put on a bra.

clipped from www.youtube.com

Pay as you go jails

clipped from www.brendan-nyhan.com Anyone convicted of a crime knows a debt to society often must be paid in jail. But a slice of Californians willing to supplement that debt with cash (no personal checks, please) are finding that the time can be almost bearable. For offenders whose crimes are usually relatively minor (carjackers should not bother) and whose bank accounts remain lofty, a dozen or so city jails across the state offer pay-to-stay upgrades. Theirs are a clean, quiet, if not exactly recherché alternative to the standard county jails, where the walls are bars, the fellow inmates are hardened and privileges are few. How long until we offer rich people nicer courts too? Or let them buy their way out of their sentence?

Calling All Wizards!

I was reared Catholic. I received my first communion in a little white bridal dress. I did the confirmation thing. I was devout. Today, I consider Antioch Progressive Baptist Church, here in Sacramento, my home church. We held my mother’s funeral in our family parish, at St. Joseph/St. Andrews Catholic Church, in Oakland, California. The American Friends have always been my friends. My boyfriend is a Buddhist.

Now, I’m a Catholic/Baptist/Quaker/Buddhist on my way to becoming a secular humanist.

Don’t get the wrong idea. I’m a wonderfully, well adjusted, Boomer Mama/Air Mom, of African ancestry with the good fortune of having been born in Tucker, Arkansas yet reared in California—at least that’s what my therapist says, minus the back-story.

If my variegated religious background has taught me one thing, it is how to deal with evil. You pray, anoint, fast, burn stuff, sacrifice things, read ancient texts, dress in certain ways, eat some stuff/avoid other stuff, dance, sing, believe…I could go on, but I’m sure you get the idea.

A great evil has befallen our land. Our children are being gunned down in the streets, in their front yards, at their houses of worship, in their universities, and on foreign soil. Babies are dying in Mississippi because it is cheaper to let them die than provide prenatal care for mothers.

And an evil, death worshiping, cabal, dressed in the flesh bags bought on the cheap from old men weak enough and evil enough to trade their own skins for a bit of power, has taken over this country and most of the world. Folks, we are in great peril. The fate of the planet is at stake.

I’m putting a call out to wizards—real ones, not you Dungeon and Dragons types—the kind Michael Gruber writes about in, Tropic of Night, because the evil in the Whitehouse is so great only the worlds greatest wizard can take it on now. And I don’t mean the Washington Wizards, unless they have some very strong mojo.

You may scoff, but enough of you believed in the bush baby to elect him, not once but twice, so keep your condescending smugness to yourselves. I believe in a lot of things unseen, like Social Security, liberty and justice for all, and fat burning pills.

If you know a wizard, please have it get in touch with me—pronto!

Slurs: The Fable

There once was a very nice lady who lived next door to a young couple who held one another in very high regard, in fact, you could say they were very much in love.

One spring day the nice lady was in her backyard weeding her petunias and the couple next door was in their backyard cleaning their pool. The nice lady overheard one of them say to the other, “Please hand me that gizmo over there, Babycakes.” The other replied, “Sure thing, Suga Booga.”

The next day the nice lady was walking her dog, when she passed the couple next door. As the nice lady not only was nice, but was also exceedingly polite, without a bigoted bone in her body, she nodded and said, “Good morning, Suga Booga. Beautiful day isn’t it, Babycakes?”

The couple next door did not return the nice lady’s greeting. They stared at her until she turned the corner, then they went directly to the Human Rights Commission and filed a complaint charging the nice lady with making slurs based on their ethnicity, race, gender, and sexual orientation.

The moral of this story is …

Mother Needs a Moral for this Story

Write the moral to this fable and win a copy of Mother's anthology, Shades of Black. Three winners will be chosen. Contest ends when Beltane begins.